I was listening to a wonderful guided meditation in the bath yesterday and was heading off into a peaceful trance when he used the phrase “trance is not an everyday occurrence” only I misheard it as “trans is not an every day occurrence” the phrase made sure I didn’t go any further with the meditation but instead my mind turned its attention to my blog post. Amanda maybe the person transitioning but the whole family is going with her.
I’ve never had an issue with Amanda being a woman. My husband is a great man (woman) and I am very much in love. When I told him not to wear my tights I wasn’t upset but I was unprepared for the consequences of that decision to be completely accepting. It messes with my own head and heart that I can’t completely accept the other woman in our relationship.
When Amanda first started as a woman she was a bimbo and not the kind of woman I would hang out with let alone consider a relationship with. I’ve since learned it was a process she was going through and is still going through. Because I’m not with Amanda full time yet it’s hard to get to know her. She has a habit of avoiding me and only really coming out when I’m away. In my head I know Amanda is Mr Kimlin and they’re the same person but they don’t talk the same way or act the same way and it’s hard to get used to the changes. She’s not the man I married – she’s Amanda and we’re having to get to know each other.
Earlier in the morning I’d woken up and enjoyed a moment of holding my husband. These days every time feels like the last. Those intimate moments with a man that I enjoy. To me then he’s he and I can’t even begin to think of him as she. I’m not gay. In my forty years I’ve only ever found Joan Armatrading attractive in a sexual way. It takes one helluva a woman to want me to take my socks off. I’m going to miss Mr Kimlin if/ when he becomes Amanda full time. And can I ever call her my wife? The children still call her dad no matter what she’s wearing. My use of pronouns is still unreliable even though I know the right thing is she.
When Steph Newlove is trying to work out how to be a lesbian when she’s not that’s how I feel. I rather fancy my husband in a silky nightie but in my head in those moments he’s still a man.
In my teen years my mother was hating men and had a relationship with another woman. I loved that woman and still have a lot of affection for her even though I haven’t seen her in over twenty years. But it meant I had to “come out” as straight. There’s a reason the only man I ever took back to meet my mother in those years was obviously gay ;). I’ve had to think about sexuality a lot more than a lot of straight people do and I know I’m not a lesbian.
In the evening I wrote my father’s day card. How will we be impacted that way? Will I have to buy a wife card early during mother’s day? That bit I struggle with because I never wanted a wife. I am a wife and mother and when I married it was to a husband I wanted to father my babies. I ended up addressing the card to Honey Bunch and putting an x-rated message in it but it took me hours to write it and decide how to write it. Normally I'd write a bad poem but I didn't have time to come up with one.
I love Mr Kimlin and will learn to love Amanda but I think part of the problem is she’s never expressed her love for me. It’s always Mr Kimlin who expresses his love. She never kisses me and I always make the first move.
I've shared an appropriate Joan Armatrading song below (I know times and attitudes are changing and moving on but I still love it):
The Kimlin Family